Matt Lawrence died twice in March 2021.
Solely 9 years after bringing his profession as an expert footballer to an finish, 17 years after he walked out beside Manchester United’s Roy Keane as Millwall captain within the FA Cup last, he lay lifeless in a New York road.
Lawrence was within the grip of a drink and drug behavior and the cocaine he had purchased turned out to be laced with fentanyl, an artificial opioid lethal in something however essentially the most miniscule portions.
The primary time was on St Patrick’s Day, and his luck was that he was – as so usually in the course of the peak of his addictions – out in Manhattan with individuals round to boost the alarm. He was resuscitated by the emergency companies and brought to hospital.
Three New Yorkers died the identical day, taking medicine reduce with fentanyl and bought from the identical batch. The supplier accountable, who ran a door-to-door supply service, was sentenced in 2023 to 30 years in jail for promoting medicine leading to loss of life.
Textual content messages from Lawrence to his supplier warning that the cocaine he had bought him may very well be deadly had been utilized in court docket.
Matt Lawrence, the previous Millwall captain, has battled a crippling drink and drug behavior
CCTV footage reveals Lawrence ‘useless’ on the ground of a Manhattan bar after he took medicine laced with fentanyl, an artificial opioid lethal in something however essentially the most miniscule portions
4 days later, on March 21, having discarded the remnants of a small bag of cocaine he took that evening, Lawrence picked up one other small bag purchased on the identical time. He went out, took the medicine and died once more when the fentanyl kicked in. This time inside a bar. The outlook was so bleak a priest issued the final rites.
‘It is scary how I got here to normalise all the things,’ Lawrence tells Every day Mail Sport. ‘Normalised shopping for medicine, which is prohibited. Normalised being an indignant individual as a result of that is what medicine do. They make you snappy and argumentative.
‘I managed to normalise dying as a result of I got here out of hospital and did not cease. I normalised dying twice within the house of 4 days.’
His recall of these incidents is incomplete. ‘The primary time, I keep in mind going to the toilet, doing the medicine and feeling a bit bizarre,’ he says. ‘I walked again to the bar previous the individual I used to be with and stated I used to be going to get some air.
‘All the pieces else I do know is from the accounts I’ve learn, and that is that I walked midway throughout Bleecker Avenue and handed out, stopped respiration and a Good Samaritan stopped the visitors. I did not breathe once more till the emergency companies gave me a Narcan shot in the course of the street.’
Narcan is the model identify for naloxone, an emergency antidote which immediately reverses the consequences of opioids.
‘Apparently, I did not wish to go to hospital and was combating off the paramedics, in order that they sedated me and I awoke in hospital. 4 days later, it occurred once more. In a bar, I keep in mind sitting down in a chair, three or 4 of us round a desk, and I do not keep in mind any extra. My good friend stated I simply went limp and slid onto the ground.
‘My muscle tissue stopped working. I finished respiration. I used to be given the final rites, it was that shut. There’s CCTV footage however I have never been in a position to watch it. Once more, fortunately, that is the center of Manhattan and the emergency companies had been there in a short time.
‘This time I do keep in mind waking up with a needle in my arm. I assume that was the Narcan. None of this sounds significantly good out loud. I am speaking as a result of I would like the catharsis. That is me purging my soul in a manner. I would like the fact to hit. I would like different individuals to learn it.’
‘I managed to normalise dying as a result of I got here out of hospital and did not cease. I normalised dying twice within the house of 4 days’
Lawrence (pictured taking part in for Millwall) didn’t, he insists, ever take medicine throughout a 16-year skilled taking part in profession which peaked within the Championship
Lawrence is 52 years outdated, greater than a yr clear and sober and speaking publicly for the primary time about what occurred. He seems in good condition. Lean and wholesome, just lately recovered from an achilles tendon torn taking part in soccer. His eyes are brilliant, he smiles and laughs simply and fires out one-liners, nearly all of them at his personal expense.
He’s apprehensive about telling his story however decided and as soon as he begins, the phrases circulate freely.
Lawrence didn’t, he insists, ever take medicine throughout a 16-year taking part in profession which peaked within the Championship and blended minor successes in with the inevitable disappointments.
Comparatively late into the skilled recreation, he was 21 when he first signed for Wycombe Wanderers, having accomplished a soccer scholarship at Hartwick School in New York and performed a handful of video games in non-League for Grays Athletic. From Wycombe he went to Fulham and again, combating a sense that he didn’t actually belong.
‘I would been undesirable by John Gregory at Wycombe and undesirable at Fulham by Kevin Keegan, who was a hero of mine,’ says Lawrence. ‘Each second of my skilled soccer profession was superb, however I simply did not consider in it or consider in me to start out off with.’
These insecurities continued even when he was a confirmed Championship participant at Millwall. ‘I most likely got here throughout as conceited as a result of we might go into youngsters’s hospitals at Christmas and I would cover away,’ he says. ‘I would be like, “These children do not wish to see me dressed as Santa”. It wasn’t as a result of I assumed I used to be too good, it was as a result of I did not assume I used to be ok.’
Six years at Millwall included a wonderful run to the membership’s first FA Cup last in 2004 and their first European marketing campaign, albeit transient.
‘The FA Cup last is a blur,’ says Lawrence. ‘I keep in mind the semi-final vividly towards Sunderland. The ultimate although, I keep in mind we misplaced 3-0, I keep in mind Cristiano Ronaldo was superb and I keep in mind Ruud van Nistelrooy kicked me within the testicles.
Lawrence (proper) in motion for Millwall within the 2004 FA Cup last towards Ruud van Nistelrooy and Manchester United
Lawrence additionally performed for Crystal Palace however struggled with points round his self-confidence
‘I trod on Van Nistelrooy’s achilles when he was in a wall and he clearly clocked me doing that. Then they’d a nook and I used to be going through him, form of on the half-turn and looking out on the ball, and he straight-up sprinted in the direction of me and volleyed me within the testicles. He apologised after the sport.’
Lawrence crossed the divide in south London to spend 4 years at Crystal Palace and counts the relegation escape of 2010 amongst his fondest soccer reminiscences, together with an analogous last-gasp relegation escape with Wycombe in 1999.
‘Roy Keane will most likely shout out loud and say that is not success and I agree however I did not win many league titles or trophies and the adrenaline rush once you push above the road on the final day is superb.’
The Palace transfer, although, felt like a mistake at first. ‘The dressing room was at odds with itself, worse than something I would identified, and it took Neil Warnock to return in and put his stamp on it,’ he says. ‘Neil got here in on the primary day, informed the gamers to place their shinpads on and meet him on the pitch.
‘He condensed the pitch, moved the objectives about 30 yards aside, threw in a ball and principally informed us to kick the s*** out of one another. I think about he thought he’d discover out in 10 minutes who he wanted to eliminate. And that is the genius of the person.’
Lawrence’s taking part in profession closed with two years at Gillingham in League Two and a spell at Whitehawk, profitable the Isthmian League and promotion to what was then the Convention South.
‘I thrived on being informed what to do and staying match and wholesome,’ says Lawrence. ‘Issues deteriorated after I stopped taking part in for Whitehawk. I used to be 40 and now not paid to play soccer, so I did not take into account myself a footballer anymore.
‘When it stops, it stops very quickly. The identical as loss of life occurs in a short time on the finish. There isn’t any recreating the adrenaline rush of a matchday so I numbed the loss.’
His home life unravelled and he fell deeper into drink and medicines. ‘I used to be completely happy to be managed by one thing. By something. Cocaine and alcohol are fairly good at that.’
‘I used to be completely happy to be managed by one thing. By something. Cocaine and alcohol are fairly good at that’
Lawrence has lived in america since 2016, working as TV analyst in Main League Soccer and residing in Jersey Metropolis with a beautiful view of the Manhattan skyline throughout the Hudson River from his residence.
‘I would be doing a disservice to New York if I stated that was a catalyst for my issues,’ he says. ‘New York was not my downfall. I used to be my downfall. I would have discovered bother in any far-flung island.
‘It was my very own fault. A tragic form of demise. By means of drink and medicines, I created my very own little bubble the place I did not have to consider something, did not have to consider life or work or cash.
‘Not as a result of I had a lot cash. I had an awesome soccer profession, however I did not have limitless cash to spiral uncontrolled shopping for mansions and Ferraris.’
Lawrence stayed clear of medicine for some time after his second brush with loss of life in March 2021 however carried on consuming and ultimately slipped again into the behavior of taking cocaine once more.
‘I fell again into it inside six months, and fell again even deeper,’ he says. ‘I did not die once more however my drug consumption and frequency received worse.
‘I remorse all of that. What it did to me financially, what it did to me domestically and what it did to me professionally. I assumed I used to be residing my life and getting away with it, however I used to be uncontrolled.
‘I used to be extremely depressed. Spending days in tears doing medicine and days in tears not doing medicine. Depressing and upset. My girlfriend and I sat throughout the dinner desk final August, and she or he simply stated: “It’s a must to cease, you possibly can’t do that anymore.”‘
‘Each second of my skilled soccer profession was superb, however I simply did not consider in it or consider in me’
August 10 final yr, by coincidence the opening weekend of the Championship season 2025-26, was his first day of true sobriety.
Within the time since he has been studying to take pleasure in his life once more. Studying to understand his household and his work once more. Studying to like soccer once more, reconnecting together with his former golf equipment and team-mates and discovering a heat embrace. Perhaps even studying to respect himself once more and worth his taking part in profession and achievements.
And, alive to inform the story, he’s writing an autobiography and writing it himself, with out the assistance of a ghostwriter, lastly discovering a use for a level in American literature greater than 30 years after graduating.
‘Sobriety is the finality,’ says Lawrence. ‘There isn’t any 5 years. No 10 years. No end line. It is the one factor.
‘I’m sober as we converse at present, I will be sober for the remainder of at present and tomorrow. I will not preach to anyone else about the best way to dwell their lives, however I do know I’m an infinitely higher human being sober.’
